Then chronic illness came knocking and while I was still those things "in my head", my body clearly had other ideas. It felt like my body was playing a cruel joke on me -- demanding to be completely opposite of the way I was wired and operated. This took a lot of getting used of and if honest, I still struggle with today. I find being disorganized frustrating to say the least as it prohibits me from getting as much done as I could if things were in order.
The lesson I've learned from this though, there is absolutely no sense in fighting against what is. I've made so many flares worse (more painful and longer lasting) by trying to fight against them. Getting upset with myself and/or pushing on through is a huge mistake that took me quite some time to learn. A temper tantrum by my body where my body clearly wins (unfortunately). I am getting much better with this, but my old ways seem to lurk just below the surface somewhere and rear their ugly heads if I don't constantly work at keeping this in check.
The idea of getting my work done early in the morning thereby giving me the rest of the day was (and still is) one of the most difficult things to give up. I had to change not only my way of thinking but also my way of doing. I still wanted to get things done early in the day, but the ole body would just not cooperate. Frustrating.
Both of these things have caused me much grief leaving me to feel I can't be the person I am or function the way I am wired.
I have been struggling with this and have decided while I have had to change drastically and accept this fact, I still am who I am. I feel part of my issues which still linger are are brought on from the constant disarray everything seems to be in. I need to --- and can --- still incorporate some of the old me. A compromise of chronic illness and myself 101 of sorts. The time has come in my journey to get myself back on track as much as I am able. I do realize (and need to remember!), I won't be able to function at the level I once did, BUT, I should be able to function at a higher organizational level than I currently am. This starts with loosely made, basic planning and goals.
I've been giving this a lot of thought and have come up with some goals. They are small steps for now, but a start nonetheless. I've identified the following things and my goal is to plan time each day to accomplish these things.
They are as follows (in no particular order):
* Posting on Social Media (Work Related)
* Social Media (Personal)
* Personal Care
* Meal Planning
* Paid Work
* Meal prep
* Miscellaneous needs that may pop up
I really need to remember, these plans need to be loosely made. With chronic illness, flare days happen -- not might happen, but do happen and I need to have allowances for these built in. I need to remember to not be upset with myself on these days as stress just makes it worse. Stress can easily turn one day of missed things into two, three or beyond. Giving myself permission to get off schedule if necessary, is key to keeping on schedule. I know that's difficult for many (especially healthy people) to understand, but truthfully, it is the way it works. While missing one day puts me behind, it's not nearly as behind as I'll be if I miss days or weeks because I was stubborn and pushed on through. (Ya...Been there, done that and have the t-shirt.) It's certainly better to miss one day than a whole week. If only I'd learned this point earlier on in my journey!
I need to plan these things according to my body's schedule. Pain is worse in the mornings so that's the time to plan things which are less physical. While I'd prefer to get my chores done then, I'll need to pencil them in at a more appropriate time (probably evening).
I am looking forward to getting back on the organizational bandwagon. It's been far too long and I'm hoping in doing so, I will feel more settled and at peace. When we're wired for one way, it's really difficult (if not impossible) to completely change that.
Perhaps in a future blog post, I will have a "day in the life" type of post. I find writing it down really helps me get a feel for it. I will keep you posted!
Trying to stay Balanced..... despite the chaos!