Part 2 in the is here!  (Part 1 found here)

     Keeping within the theme of "finding positives in Chronic Illness",  I have one other.   This one however, is a more personal one which I felt warranted it's own post.

    When I first became ill, two of my worst symptoms were wide-spread pain and swelling of my left arm.  Even though I spent countless days and hours visiting Doctors and Specialists enduring hours of various tests, nobody could explain the cause of this pain and swelling.  Needless to say,  none of them could offer any relief from it either.  It was beyond frustrating.  

    My ability level was about zero, which impacted my 14 year old daughter deeply. She would help out wherever she could see a need, which took on a wide variety of areas, including trying to help  me feel comfortable.  I think it really bothered her to see me in so much pain and as a result would "massage"  my arms, hands and back.  Before long, she'd seem to zero in on specific spots and would ask as she massaged that area,

     "This spot right here -- is this where it hurts the most?"  

     Much to my amazement, she would be spot on.  The spot she had zeroed in on, would in fact be the most painful spot on my whole arm.

     Sometimes, the spot she picked out was not the most painful but by her massaging that particular spot, it relieved the pain in another spot, further down my arm.

      As this became her common practice I questioned her on how she knew the exact spot where I hurt.

      "Because I can feel it", she would reply.  "Touch here and you will see what I mean.  It feels different than the rest of your arm."  

     To my touch however, there was no difference....it all felt the same.

     We challenged other family members to try.  One by one they all tried, to no avail.  To each one of them, the whole arm felt all the same -- no differences between areas.  

      It became such soothing relief to me to have her massage my arms, knowing exactly where my pain was.  I didn't need to explain to her where it hurt or when it was feeling better, she just knew by the feel of the area.  

      Amazing.

     She seemed to have a natural ability to tell where people hurt even before they told her where and it was this ability the eventually led her to pursue a career in Massage Therapy. She is currently finishing her studies (a 3 year program) and will be writing board exams soon. Her goal is to work with chronic pain clients and the elderly.  I know she will help countless numbers of people and I say this not from a "mom" point of view here, but from a client point of view.   Chronic pain is a horrible thing to live with and getting relief is difficult.  Finding those who can offer relief even more difficult.  

      As I look for the positives in having chronic illness, this would be the largest one on my list. Thankful for the help and relief she will be able to give to others.

         Looking for the positives in order to keep

                             Balance....despite the chaos!  

                                                         
                                                          Why, yes! 

                                              In a nutshell, so to speak.  ;) 

     Obviously, my first choice would have been to remain healthy and active but it was not meant to be.  Fighting against it was counter-productive and while I'd researched a lot, worked as diligently as I could to improve my health and improved as much as I could, I've needed to accept I will never be the version of me I once was.

      While this has meant losing a lot of "me" and I am sad at losing those things, I've come to the realization focusing on those things, just makes it worse.  Worse is not where I wanted to be so a new perspective is what I needed.

     With baby steps, I began to look for anything at all that would be positive.  I must confess, at first try I could not find anything even remotely positive.  As I kept at it though, a few things began to emerge.
     

• I'd learned to give up my "talent" of worrying.  So freeing!! 
• I no longer sweated the small stuff
• Perfectionism -- gone!
• I'm more easy going
• I didn't stress about the small stuff (and even some of the bigger stuff!)
• learned the art of saying, "no" (and not feel guilty about it)
• improved ability to advocate for myself
• Improved diet meant improvement in other previous medical issues

  
       (This is a list in progress which I consciously add to as I go)
 
     In many areas, I am in a much better place than I was before chronic illness.    For one (and a big one at that), the unnecessary, self-induced stress I used to endure would have surely taken its toll on me had I not learned to deal with it in a more effective way.  

     I am truly thankful for that.  

     So today, I choose to focus on the positives in order to keep

                  Balance....despite the chaos!

​    (......to be continued!  Stay tuned for part 2! )

​

     As I've mentioned elsewhere in this blog, before Chronic Illness came to live at my house, I thrived on details and being organized.  I was a morning person in.the.extreme.  

     Then chronic illness came knocking and while I was still those things "in my head", my body clearly had other ideas.  It felt like my body was playing a cruel joke on me -- demanding to be completely opposite of the way I was wired and operated.  This took a lot of getting used of and if honest, I still struggle with today.  I find being disorganized frustrating to say the least as it prohibits me from getting as much done as I could if things were in order.    

     The lesson I've learned from this though, there is absolutely no sense in fighting against what is.  I've made so many flares worse (more painful and longer lasting) by trying to fight against them.  Getting upset with myself and/or pushing on through is a huge mistake that took me quite some time to learn.  A temper tantrum by my body where my body clearly wins (unfortunately).  I am getting much better with this, but my old ways seem to lurk just below the surface somewhere and rear their ugly heads if I don't constantly work at keeping this in check.  

     The idea of getting my work done early in the morning thereby giving me the rest of the day was (and still is) one of the most difficult things to give up.  I had to change not only my way of thinking but also my way of doing. I still wanted to get things done early in the day, but the ole body would just not cooperate.  Frustrating.

     Both of these things have caused me much grief leaving me to feel I can't be the person I am or function the way I am wired.

      I have been struggling with this and have decided while I have had to change drastically and accept this fact, I still am who I am.  I feel part of my issues which still linger are are brought on from the constant disarray everything seems to be in.  I need to --- and can --- still incorporate some of the old me.  A compromise of chronic illness and myself 101 of sorts.  The time has come in my journey to get myself back on track as much as I am able.   I do realize (and need to remember!), I won't be able to function at the level I once did, BUT, I should be able to function at a higher organizational level than I currently am.  This starts with loosely made, basic planning and goals.  

     I've been giving this a lot of thought and have come up with some goals.  They are small steps for now, but a start nonetheless.  I've identified the following things and my goal is to plan time each day to accomplish these things.  

     They are as follows (in no particular order):

       *  Blogging
       *  Posting on Social Media (Work Related)
       *  Social Media (Personal)
       *  Personal Care
       *  Meal Planning
       *  Relaxing
       *  Paid Work
       *  Meal prep 
       *  Chores
       *  Paperwork 
       *  Miscellaneous needs that may pop up

     I really need to remember, these plans need to be loosely made.  With chronic illness, flare days happen -- not might happen, but do happen and I need to have allowances for these built in.  I need to remember to not be upset with myself on these days as stress just makes it worse.  Stress can easily turn one day of missed things into two, three or beyond.  Giving myself permission to get off schedule if necessary, is key to keeping on schedule.  I know that's difficult for many (especially healthy people) to understand, but truthfully, it is the way it works.  While missing one day puts me behind, it's not nearly as behind as I'll be if I miss days or weeks because I was stubborn and pushed on through.  (Ya...Been there, done that and have the t-shirt.)   It's certainly better to miss one day than a whole week.  If only I'd learned this point earlier on in my journey! 

     I need to plan these things according to my body's schedule.  Pain is worse in the mornings so that's the time to plan things which are less physical.  While I'd prefer to get my chores done then, I'll need to pencil them in at a more appropriate time (probably evening).

      I am looking forward to getting back on the organizational bandwagon.  It's been far too long and I'm hoping in doing so, I will feel more settled and at peace.  When we're wired for one way, it's really difficult (if not impossible) to completely change that.

       Perhaps in a future blog post, I will have a "day in the life" type of post.    I find writing it down really helps me get a feel for it.  I will keep you posted!

       Trying to stay Balanced.....        despite the chaos!

     

     Hi everyone!

      It's been awhile since I've posted (ok, a long while :( )  but I've been dealing with some personal challenges that I'm (hopefully) finally getting a handle on. Phew!

      I've been setting some personal goals for myself, working on these and taking care of myself.  These are not as easy to do as they sound! 

     I've been experimenting with chocolate mmmm......(nothing like pure chocolate to brighten up one's day or week!) and luxurious hand-made bath products (bath bombs, sea salt scrubs and shower bombs to name a few).  More on these items to follow in the coming days -- stay tuned!


      I've been focusing on my health, both physical and mental, and am happy with the changes I am seeing here.  


     And....I am getting through winter!!  Yay me!!  I am not a winter person!


     I'm off, for now, to enjoy a cuppa creamy hot chocolate so I can stay ......


                                        Balanced, despite the Chaos!